I don´t exist

About three years ago I went to a non-duality meeting. Spirituality had turned into a nightmare and I was very alone and unable to relate to anyone around me. I was expecting (from the meeting) to find a teacher and meet people who I could relate to. Instead it was like landing on an alien planet. The speaker talked about the “me” not existing and how great it was to realise that in life. It was all very simple and casual and there were no more problems and everything was just wonderful. Nothing the speaker said addressed my issues, so I used the question and answer session after to get some help on the emotional trouble I was having. The answer I got to my first question was that “I” didn’t exist and therefore neither did my problems. I asked three more questions, although this time I was interrupted every time I mentioned the word “I”. Of course, I was told that “I” didn’t exist so the rest of my question was not relevant. I really knew I was in the wrong place when I observed the rest of the session turned out to be an intellectual pissing match on who could come up with the most abstract, cryptic, nonsensical description of the enlightenment state, with back slaps all round for those who could prove they “got it” and became members of this elite clique.

Maybe that was the cosmic joke and it was on me, that it really was just all that simple; just say that “I” don’t exist and one day I would find myself walking down the street and stepping into non-dual awareness with not a care in the world and here I was making such a big deal about all this stuff that was happening to me. What I experienced at that meeting was not unusual and I am very often read descriptions or listen to people talk about this enlightenment/ liberation process and I am left wondering what they are talking about. How does something that can’t be described, get described in the most complicated way and get debated over as to who has got it right or not? How does spiritual work get to be about having an experience of something and then being able to describe it?